Sweet merciful Jesus. I'm starting a blog. I've resisted this trend for some time now. Lord knows, all the world needs is another public forum for an uninformed yahoo to post his deranged, lunatic ramblings. But, damn it, they're my deranged, lunatic ramblings, and blogging seems slightly more dignified than standing on the street corner and shouting at strangers.
In my ultimate dream world, what I write here will piss people off. In my fantasies, I will get death threats. Fatwahs will be issued with my name on them. I am a patriotic anti-American heathen anarchist right-wing liberal wild-eyed pessimistic dreamer who would argue with Jesus if he said the sky was blue, which plainly, on average, it's not. At least 50% of the time, it's black. Add in cloudy, gray days, the red and pink of sunset and sunrise, and the sky is blue maybe 30%, tops. The facts are on my side. So, up yours, Jesus.
Of course, as I am reminded day in and day out, this isn't my ultimate dream world. This is a world that pretty much turns without my help, a world where my voice vanishes amidst the thrum and chatter of six billion other uninformed yahoos. I have no idea how to cut through the clutter to make myself heard. My secret plan to perform at the Superbowl and expose my pierced nipple has been stolen. Hijacking planes is no longer PC. I'd stalk a celebrity, but, honest to God, I can't stand 99% of those freaks. The nightmare scenario to stalking, say, Julia Roberts is that I might actually catch her and discover she wants to chat.
I need a plan. Not just any plan. A fiendish plan. A plan for world domination, a plan to destroy everything commonly accepted as good and true in Western Civilisation, leaving the population stunned and disoriented. In the confusion, I will seize power! I will reshape the world into my Empire of Dreams! A stunning, futuristic Utopia! Or, if that's too much work, maybe I'll go for a frightening, post-apolcalyptic nightmare. You know. Whatever.
I'm pretty sure I can get to world domination in five easy steps.
Step one of master plan: A blog.
Step two: Go to grocery store. Need more trash bags and cat food. May as well pick up some Coke and potato chips while I'm there.
Step three: Under review.
Step four: To be decided.
Step five: World domination!
Tune in regularly and I'll keep you posted on my progress. I plan on posting every day, three times a day. Or, at least once a day. Or once a week, minimum. You know, from time to time. Don't miss it.
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